Who is the authority?

As a seeker, I liked looking for people who had authority, in whatever form they showed up in. As a drug user, I liked people who knew how to live that lifestyle. As a religious person, I liked priests and holy men and women, who were serving God better than I was. In nonduality, I looked for the enlightened ones, that seemed so far beyond my petty existence. All the time, I constructed a mental wall between what I imagined as myself, and what I imagined as the other. The grand words of liberation were too much to bear, since I was quite sure I knew I was 'me', a defective and limited person who had a long way to go. When the idea of authority was looked into, it seemed like conditioned thinking was in charge of things, in determining every facet of what I called real. Investigating the authoritative claims of the mind started a revolution, and the false king was exposed for the fraud he is. Turning the consciousness upon itself, reveals that all comes from a singular source, rather than a fragmented world of conflict and confusion. Authority? Who is it, and who needs it?

Why bother, or why not?

As a seeker, my life was filled with why bothers: "Why bother going to work, if there's no one to go to work? Why bother meditating, if there's no self to do it?" Everything was seen as a means to an end, and a sort of obligation or struggle. Even the pleasurable behaviours were embued with an addictive or striving quality, a necessity to try and feel better amidst suffering. The things enjoyed as a child were cast aside in order for "meaningful and important" things to be accomplished. Even when life was going well, by the mind's standards, there was a sort of low-grade desperation or yearning, a grim attempt to make things even better, or keep them stable.
Life was all about reasons, justifications, and struggling to make it. So much processing went into everything, to determine the possible outcomes for "me." Sponteneity took a back seat to a cold analytical self-seeking. Life was only really enjoyed when I was forgotten entirely, so my activities were about losing myself (on my own terms!) After being exposed to the message and seeing the investigation through to the end, life is a big why not. Like a giant play of possibilities, anything can happen. No-one needs to stand in the way of life with their petty concerns, things can happen as they will, because it's all a joyful meaningless dance of existence. Why not go to work, even though there's no one working. Why not meditate, even if there's no meditator? For a self, there's something to get out of writing this sentence. For no-one, there's just the joy of writing and reading this sentence.

Experiential and Real

The whole world seems to function in concepts. Ideas about religion, therapy, different self help and so on are based in different ideas of the mind. Nonduality seems to be a whole bunch of concepts as well, to be believed or not believed, argued or accepted. The actual SEEING of nonduality is experiential and real, it's what's reading these words. Before this word is read, the experience is present. It is what is there before there is someoneo who can believe or disbelieve anything. It's like the space in which these words were typed. Before I sat to type this, there was just an empty space. That space is like what we are. Blank, open, and empty, yet able to contain anything that comes upon it. It's important to point out that this nature is present and REAL in experience, rather than in concepts. You are that in which concepts and experiences happen. You are that in which personhood and the end of personhood happen. You are the end of the search, right now.

thielmannator@hotmail.com
Toronto, Ontario, Canada,
feel free to contact me if there's interest in discussion/meetings

The right way to speak about something that ain't real

During the search, I put a lot of importance on how people spoke about this "subject." I criticized certain ways of pointing, maybe using the classic advaita police mentality of "too many personal pronouns," or the opposite route of "too impersonal, not enough personality." It seemed like the mind could change gears and make anything that was presented wrong. Avoiding the potency of the aliveness became more and more difficult, and the mind appeared desperate in finding new and creative ways of discrediting the simple message being delivered. Since I believed myself to be a sort of language-based entity, I used words and concepts to defend myself, and blamed those pointing to the Changless for not letting me "get it" on my terms. The thing to recognize was that there's no correct way to speak about something that isn't real. What IS real doesn't need words, and what isn't real isn't even there without words. Right and wrong became vague concepts, and the beautiful aliveness was recognized to be a lot more juicy than my word wizardry. No ammount of language-ing satisfied my appetite. It's a lot easier to recognize reality than to quibble over concepts.

This is enough, but not for "me"

Basically, the "me" notion can be summarized by the idea that "This isn't it." Either there's not enough of one thing, or too much of another. What is, is somehow an obstacle for my happiness or well-being. Not even the most stubborn or self-deluded individual could deny the isness of what is. The focus is always on the imaginary "better for me" scenario, and what is currently happening is not seen in it's fullness and wonder. The trouble in trying to talk about this, is that it's just too simple. A summary of this could simply be that this is enough, but not for the "me" that wanted more. So this is fullness, but not for the seeker who felt they were lacking. There's no one here who managed to cram themselves full of what they wanted, and push away all the things they didn't. There's no-one here in any case, just fullness talking to itself. When there's suffering, the invitation is always to look back and see who it is that suffers. When it's seen that there isn't anyone there, then what is happening is more than enough. This is fulfillment, but there's no one that feels full. This is enough, because the one who was lacking wasn't real to begin with. This is it, if it's seen or not.

Happiness, or not needing to seek it?

Along the way so to speak, there was a wanting for a constant state of happiness, or undifferentiated bliss. I wanted to feel good all the time, no questions asked! I tried to keep myself in states of emotional well being and resisted moving into what I deemed unpleasant states. It felt like I was an entity, moving towards something that I called "feeling better." I never felt good enough, or "right." I always wanted to tweak the way I felt, even when it was judged as good. When happiness arose, there was the fear that it would slip away, and an attempt to amplify it to get the most out of it while it lasted. Somtimes I felt guilty for being too happy or joyous, and then yearned to feel the joy that I thought I didn't deserve. If I said that liberation is a state of undifferentiated happiness or bliss, I would be lying. However, if I said that it is the end of trying to be happier, that would be more accurate. This feeling is fine, even if the mind would say otherwise. There's no need to try to feel better, since emotions are just part of the show anyway. What we are is far beyond the flux of happiness or unhappiness. Not needing to seek happiness isn't necessarily happiness, but it's a lot less work.

Recognizing the Real, or feeling better for me?

Along the way, so to speak, it felt like being at a crossroads a lot of the 'time': Look deeper into myself, or act out in a selfish way to feel better temporarily. The latter was apparently chosen a lot, which was sort of like using a credit card: benefit now, suffer later. In addition, acting out selfishly to feel better created a sort of momentum, where it got easier to indulge suffering and act to abate it for a while, rather than get quiet and real with who I thought I was kidding. This sounds like a method, but it seems like Grace presented the opportunity at every moment, to either gaze within and see what's what, rather than follow the mind into the road of dead ends. In looking into this moment, the apparent power of the mind is seen for what it is: one thought, arising now. It felt like there was someone listening to the mind, an entity that was apparently enslaved to the stream of thinking and feeling. In looking for this entity, all that is found is thoughts and emotions happening in a vast emptiness. No mind to tell anything what to do, and no one to take orders. No self to need to feel better, just timeless, complete Being.