Saturday, October 3, 2009
Happiness, or not needing to seek it?
Along the way so to speak, there was a wanting for a constant state of happiness, or undifferentiated bliss. I wanted to feel good all the time, no questions asked! I tried to keep myself in states of emotional well being and resisted moving into what I deemed unpleasant states. It felt like I was an entity, moving towards something that I called "feeling better." I never felt good enough, or "right." I always wanted to tweak the way I felt, even when it was judged as good. When happiness arose, there was the fear that it would slip away, and an attempt to amplify it to get the most out of it while it lasted. Somtimes I felt guilty for being too happy or joyous, and then yearned to feel the joy that I thought I didn't deserve. If I said that liberation is a state of undifferentiated happiness or bliss, I would be lying. However, if I said that it is the end of trying to be happier, that would be more accurate. This feeling is fine, even if the mind would say otherwise. There's no need to try to feel better, since emotions are just part of the show anyway. What we are is far beyond the flux of happiness or unhappiness. Not needing to seek happiness isn't necessarily happiness, but it's a lot less work.