Waking up in the morning as a 'seeker' wasn't pleasant. I had to deal with the whole enlightenment or liberation thing for another day, as well as deal with all 'my' day to day activities. Since nonduality had become my most important preoccupation, I had to make sure I had things lined up to make sure that my trek towards liberation was on course. The focus was always within this "me" idea, and my enlightenment happening or not happening, and what "I" could or should do about it. Scott Kiloby pointed this type of thing out quite nicely, how the focus always seems to be kept firmly in self centred notions, which create the idea of a search in the first place.
I set up little markers for my 'self' about where things were in terms of liberation happening or not happening. Good feelings generally meant good 'progress,' and bad feelings were indicative of losing presence, or enlightenment power, or some equally ridiculous notion, arising in thought. Of course, what I failed to really look into was the whole notion of the seperate self, it-self.
Instead of looking into the shaky platform of "me-hood", I wanted to reinforce the platform by throwing some cool ideas about nonduality on top of it, which actually made it shakier still. What I really failed to do, was get down and busy with looking into this directly. It isn't necessarily fun or pleasant to challenge these notions. Becoming enlightened sounds so much nicer than seeing through the self that would become enlightened. Unfortunately, there's no 'self' in any case, so the issue is rendered moot. If there is still a trace of a self, just look for it, instead of paying lip service to concepts in the way I did for months. Thanks for reading, you can check out my Kilologue with Scott at http://www.kiloby.com/kilologues.php