Don't give up, just surrender

During the search, there were times when I just gave up. By this, I mean that I said "screw this, there's nothing I can do, I might as well..." (get drunk, mope around, kill myself) The spiritual concept of surrender, on the other hand, is a collapse of the one who could either give up, or keep going. Of course, the notion of surrender implies one who could surrender of their own volition. (And why wouldn't I have surrendered yesterday!) But rather than a volitionary thing, surrender merely points to what is, as it already is. Surrender is the seeing that what is, can't be meddled with. Giving up is being at war with what is, and trying to justify a miserable existance. The paradox of surrender is that it's the end of the one who thinks they could either choose, or not. Of course, if there's the belief in a "me", it will not want surrender, since that is the end of it. Giving up, on the other hand, is a great way to keep "me" going. Instead of listening to competent pointing, I indulged my suffering and my inability to do anything, "since there's no self to do it." Instead of looking within, I settled for moments of pleasure. Rather than earnestly inquire as was suggested, I hoped things would resolve themselves "someday." Suffering was the only honest teacher I had, when I rejected the pointers of the ones that I knew deep down were trustworthy. My suffering was directly proportional to the ammount of my own bullshit I believed. No bullshit=no suffering. Surrender is the natural state of what is, rather than a task to be undertaken. Giving up is a popular tactic of the "me-sense", and can keep the search going indefinitely.