Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Love? That can't be it!
Growing up as a young man (apparently) I developed an aversion to the word "love," and what I thought it meant. I wanted to be tough, fearless, and self-sufficient, and in no need of something as tender and mysterious as love. When my seeking really got going, the last thing I would have thought to look for would be love, but I couldn't ignore the ache deep down, that no self-endeavour could fulfill. This turned me onto religion, and I sought the love of God, who I felt was withholding the full extent of his love for when I became worthier. The unconditional love that is pointed to here and in nonduality writings elsewhere is far simpler and far more frightening to the individual than any conception of it I had before. When this was first encountered, there was a seeing that this would be the end of "me", and everything I thought was important. There was no God to please, and no one to please him. No other to fulfill my needs, and no person here who needs fulfillment. All is this love, even the things I judged unworthy in my ignorance and arrogance. This love doesn't demand anything, nor does it bow to my every whim. It is not the clingy, watered-down version I was accustomed to, it is pure and open, like the blazing sun, yet tender as a warm breeze. It's the most cliched word in our culture, and yet we all yearn for it. I didn't find love, because I am love. There's nothing more to say about it, the lover is more obvious than the backs of my hands as they type this. I didn't think love could be it, now I don't know what love can't be!