In the search, I was presented with the possibility of liberation from the false self, or ego identity. The trouble arose from the fact that who I WAS for myself, was the false self, or ego identity. It became about me, finding freedom, for myself. The movement was always a self trying to get away from its unsatisfactory life, into a better state for itself. The abiding sense was also, "I want it" and there was a desire to claim or own things, such as spiritual experiences or insights. The sense was always that there was a need to move somewhere that was better. When the notion came up that this "me" itself was the problem, and that it needed to disappear, I would then begin to start claiming my own level of dissapearance. "I have become more absent than most." I believed myself to be closer to enlightenment, because I was less of a "me".
It is very difficult to get past this idea that there is really no "me" to gain anything. The way I heard it initially was, "I will never get this, it will never happen to me, I won't find enlightenment." The message was continually pointed out that there simply was no "I" or "me" at all. It is a different paradigm entirely, to how I was viewing the whole thing. I was pointed back to the Being that was always there in the first place, before the Me-Sense even got going at all. Obviously, these words are simply not it, but the Beingness to which they point is more real than anything that could appear.